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Saturday, August 26, 2006

Tips for Chicks #4: Facial Hair

Tip: Avoid dudes with zany facial hair.

What's Keen: You'll want a guy with a standard facial hair arrangement. Clean-shaven is a classic, and hard to mistake. The simple mustache and full beard are also good. Most goatees are fine as well.

What's Un-Keen:

  • The easiest bad facial hair to identify is anything that doesn't have a name. Ala: "Uh, It looks like a rat humping the letter Z".
  • Any style that's named after or reminds you of a famous person: Stalin, Hitler, Chaplin, Rodman, Hetfeild, etc. Regardless of your political leanings, taste in entertainment, or love of sports avoid dudes with all those.
  • Avoid any guy with style that is very trendy or is overly clever. The soul-patch, mutton-chops, Fu-Man Chu, etc.
  • Generally speaking if its a stylish, scenester, or sub-culture specific look you'll want to avoid that as well. Two jawbone tuffs, the pencil thin mustache, the Amish beard. NOTE: If you're into some scene and a guy has that look (say rock-a-billy mutton-chops) that might be OK. However, the harsh truth is that you are both in some weird phase that at least one of you will grow out of.
  • Look out for over styled versions of the good ones. A beard that's a very thin line, any zag in the beard line, a narrow stripe shaved off the chin of a goatee to make "chin-chops" , a mustache that's only on the corners of the lip.
  • Poor Hygiene. Facial hair is a hair around a hole that dudes ram food and drink in. It is bound to catch stuff. It requires thorough and regular cleaning otherwise it will become an ecosystem. Avoid a dude whose face reminds you a primordial terrarium. (OOOH! Primordial Terrarium will clearly be the name of my first album)
  • Too Much. There can be too much of a good thing. No gigantic mountain-man beards. Far too often they are found on non-mountain men.
  • Too little. Peach Fuzz isn't a beard. Some guys have a face of marginal soil that cannot produce a full crop of jaw cotton. They should give up and move to the glass-smooth city.

Why?: It depends on the "form of the fuzz". The fancier it is the more apt the dude is a narccicist. Think about it. He spends time (frequently and specificly) staring at himself in a mirror trying to hone his look to perfection. If its a truely ugly look, or he has a sparse peachy thing going on, or he's trying to hide his second chin; then the dude is delussional. Really. Are you fooled? No. Has he fooled himeself? Yes. If its just totaly out of control then he either doesn't care about his health and apperance; or he has adopted some wacky new age philosophy and will likley never hold down a proper job and will frequently spill his minature zen garden in bed.

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# posted by Max : 8/26/2006 10:16:00 PM  
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